A Hooker’s work is never done

I feel like such a grinch right now…I have very little desire to go home to my family, which is mostly fueled by the sense of shame I feel at having only one present for everyone (not really, though…none are finished), and that I am broke beyond belief, with nothing on the line until Jan. 10th. Living on loan checks is a bitch, for sure.

To compound my feelings of holiday anxiety, we received a letter from our landlord detailing, item by item, the things we have to do immediately in order to avoid eviction. Mind you, our bills are paid. He is unhappy with the sofa on the porch (I’ve been in his court on this one since the day it arrived), the flat file outside the kitchen door which is our receptacle for recycling, since our bins were stolen, and I’ll be damned if I’m paying the $50 per in order to get two of those stinky green things back, oh yeah…and my cat. He’s known that I’ve had a cat since we moved in here, 18 months ago, and only now is it a problem. He also apparently believes that the 5th means rent is late, but why give us til the 5th if he really meant the 1st? I know 1st is when it’s really due, and the 5th just gives people leeway for checks arriving and processing, but still. Our rent has been late twice, by two days each, 16 out of 18 on time seems pretty good to me, but he apparently views that as “our rent being consistently late”. And THEN, my favorite so far today, was the new round of bills since it got cold, and since we got our washer and dryer. More than quadruple what we normally pay. I, for sure, immediately drank a beer at 1:30 in the afternoon when we opened those.

I appreciate that the water company plays the same Christmas song over and over again while they’ve kept me on hold for 17 minutes now…Does that add any dignity to the act of asking for a payment arrangement? Happy holidays from City/County Utilities! You’re too poor to pay us a week before Christmas, but please allow us to attempt to inspire cheer with This One instrumental ditty you can listen to thirty seven times in a row, waiting for customer service! Thank you! Call again!

So now I have to figure out how to arrive in Raleigh, full of Christmas cheer and pep, when what I really need to do is prostitute myself so that I can get some wrapping paper and finish the unfinished Christmas I have surrounding me in my dining room.

I wish that I was like one of those poor people in the movies, that was really satisfied with the one present that the whole family shared, because I was so caught up in the love and good tidings of a winter morn spent together that poverty didn’t matter. But I’m not like Those People in the movies, and I feel bad going home to my family with nothing to show for my love. I don’t like the material connotations of Christmas…the more you love, the more you’ll spend…because it always puts me in a position of feeling like I am selfish for buying groceries instead of video games for Eli. Gah.

I have high hopes that when I am with my family, the Feeling will grab me, and I can smile about The Whole Mess.

Today for lunch, Steve, Katy and I ate outside at The Loop, and all us of were mildly uncomfortable because we were overdressed. What the fuck? I remember a time when it was cold in NC during the winters. It snowed at least once a year, usually lightly, but it was noteworthy. I am beginning to think those days might be in passing.

I am convinced I have the Avian Bird Flu. I can’t kick whatever it is that I have. Currently, I am feeling about 87% better, but my left ear has maybe a 30% hearing loss due to sinuses that are stopped up tight. This makes talking on the phone during the holiday season a real bitch. I have my fingers crossed that I will awake tomorrow to a pleasantly open ear-ball. I can’t take much more. I’ve been sick for about ten days now. I Never get sick like this. Stupid strong, drug-resistent viruses. Stupid global warming. Stupid over-population.

I am currently engaged in an effort to forego purchasing a single present this season. I am making them all, dammit. I just can’t join in the frenzy of conspicuous consumption when it is so hard for me to make ends meet in the first place. Christmas always falls at the end of the loan check cycle…money comes into school on the 26th of December, and Merry Christmas, folks! It’s going alright, surprisingly. It’s kinda fun, and I will feel good if I do indeed manage to make everything I give this year. I should have had the foresight to do a bit of pre-planning, but I really work best under pressure, anyhoo.

I had to tell Dark Roast to stop contacting me yesterday. She has been unnervingly persistent in calling, when I haven’t returned a single call in months and months. Once, it was 18 times in one day. I got creeped out. I took the Pansy’s Option, and wrote her an email (which I think was kind and eloquent and tasteful), to which she responded by spending an evening calling and texting me. I stayed strong, and didn’t answer, because if I had spoken with her, I would have wound up apologizing for the way I feel, even though I didn’t mean it. She would make me think I did. An accomplished Guilt Master, that one. I got an email today, full of stuff meant to make me doubt myself, or feel bad for my decision. Happily, it all just rolled right off my back. Didn’t cause one, tiny guilty flutter. I’m so much better than all her bullshit. It feels good to know that. It feels good to do the right thing for myself, finally. She made me feel bad about myself for years, and I like me, so there is no need for such a toxic relationship. Especially when I have such a peach of a woman in my life. There is nothing like a little perspective every now and then, to get your brain straightened out.

Back to present-making. I can’t believe Xmas is in a week. Yipes!

I’ve been under the influence of NyQuil for four solid days now…I have to admit, things are starting to get funny at the edges. I had forgotten what it really meant to have a sit-down with some NyQuil; I haven’t done such since I was 21, living with Alex. We had a love affair with NyQuil in that apartment one winter, and I haven’t been able to go back since, until now. I tell ya, shit kinda moves around on me when I’m in the grip of a NyQuil buzz. Fever certainly compounds the periphereal wanderings, but for reals…I woke up straight trippin’ a couple mornings. I guess they aren’t kidding about dosage recommendations, 2 geltabs will do the trick for an eight hour spell. More than that is just simply recreation. Why not catch a tiny buzz off of cough meds…I mean, I already feel like shit, why not live it up a little, with my nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine?

ANYhoo….

I went to Greensberry tonight, with Steve and Katy, to a party at Adrienne’s casa. Such Good Times. I love those Greensberry folk. It’s a travesty (I’m ashamed!) at how rarely I see them. I resolve to do better. Right here, right now.

I thought surely, since I’m on winter break and all, that I would be up to my Normal Blogging Levels. Instead, I have done almost Nothing aside from lay on my couch, and watch cable with my homies. I can’t tell you how good it’s felt, how quickly a week has slipped away, thusly. Granted, I made some origami, and showered a time or two in there, but truly, I have been Straight Chillin’, and it feels good. This is the first break where I didn’t feel truly guilty about lounging…I finally feel like I’ve earned it. Or something.

My Christmas time, Winter Blues seem to be at bay for the time being; this is a pleasant surprise. We’ll see how long it holds. Always the optimist, that’s me….

So. Winter break is in full swing. I can delightfully report that I have done Nothing, and I do mean Nothing, for the past three days. Mind you, that is due in large part to the fact that I have been sick as a dog with some sinus infection turned bronchitis, but the lounging has been nice, nonetheless. I had forgotten what it felt like to Chill on my couch, and watch movie after movie after movie, falling asleep downstairs and never bothering to go sleep in my bed. It’s good. Cleecloe likes it, for sure. My house is very quiet, as Daniel is in Puerto Rico until next Tuesday (lucky bastard), so I am a bit lonely, but Katy and Steve and I have been spending quality time, and that’s fun. I miss my HoCakes, for sure. After three straight months of daily interaction, it feels bizarre that she’s not here with me. Silly U-haul Lesbians…

Winter Formal was an effing hit…we made more than double as compared to last years dance, and since this is a fundraiser, that’s important. Everyone loved the space; it was a perfect size—small enough that people were eventually forced onto the dancefloor for lack of anywhere else to be, which is awesome. The winter formal master mix went over fantastically, and it kept people bumpin’ on the floor til the doors closed. It was so successful, in fact, that I have been asked to do some event planning for the entire student body, not just D&P. Good times, good times. HoCakes looked good enough to eat in her pink sparkly dress, and we are once and for all, irrefutably, Out…to all of our classmates, and more noteworthy, to all of our teachers. The teachers here like to play little tricks on students that are dating….won’t let them work together when they’re dating, won’t let them work apart once they’re not. It’s a tricky situation, but I’m not in the habit of letting anyone control who I date, so ce la vie!! Howard Jones gave me the eyeball many a time when HoCakes and I were dancing up on one another. There was no mistaking the fact that we like to have sex…

I’m tired of coughing. I am also tired of being poor. I look forward to the day when I actually have enough money to give my family and friends the kind of Christmas I’ve always wanted. I also look forward to the day when my Christmas occurs on a boat, in tropical waters, with steel drums playing jingle bells, drinking mai tais instead of hot chocolate. Dreamy….

Intensive Arts is kicking my ass…it’s so exhausting, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Whine, that’s the answer that’s winning out, but I’m okay with that for now. Luckily, at dinner break, I remembered the Magic of the Pearls; if I’m having a day where I can’t seem to smile, I put my fake pearls on to paint, and it genuinely makes me feel happier.

Here are some numbers, because the sick part of me has to break it down like this sometimes:

Hours spent on the paint deck this week so far, with fourteen to twenty two hours left in the week: 39
Gallons of Scenic Goop mixed to create texture: 44
PSI on the hopper spraying the Goop: 120
Pounds of whiting (looks like powdered sugar, does what the name says) used today: 18
Gallons of SculptorCoat used today: 15
Time spent sitting down since waking up: 1 hour
Number of square feet covered in grey paint or Goop: 7700
Times I slipped in the Goop today: 2
The exclamation “fuck” was overheard: more than 100 times
Felt strips glued onto mesh netting to create the illusion of interwoven fire escapes: no less than 2 miles
Number of bricks that have been created in paint in the last 3 days: 27,000
Crew members,including designer and assistants: 16

There is a sense of pride and satisfaction that, at the end of these two weeks, we will have successfully painted a solid half of a Very Big Show…meaning, hopefully, the rest of the year won’t necessarily blow donkey balls due to this Officially Sanctioned 50th Anniversary West Side Story thang we have undertaken. I think I am just saying that to try and convince myself of such, but whatever…I’ll hold onto my illusions for now.

The addition of seminars in the mornings to the roster of work for the next eight days is daunting, and I can’t help but be vaguely pissed off…we’re all so tired already. I mean, I’d be more excited about workshops and seminars, I think, if I were allowed to attend seminars outside of my field. It’s not that I’m not lucky to be learning how to create cool crackle textures for cheap, or how to make metal look authentically rusted in under 10 minutes, but the people teaching all of my seminars are people I see every day. It kind of stings that a renowned scenic designer is teaching several days of workshops (lectures, I would assume) that I can’t attend because HoJo is teaching me more about paint…like every other day of the year. I learn a lot, sure, but variety would be exciting. I would love to be able to attend a model building workshop; it’s a requirement of my course work that I build models for class, but no one’s ever instructed me in the construction of models…and I feel like I can’t operate at my full potential in class because I’m shooting blind. Intensive Arts has always been a bit of a let-down for me; I expect that I’ll get to attend exciting lectures given by beautiful, famous people and be wowed by industry reps with new products ready to revolutionize the industry if placed in the right (our) hands.

Instead, there are bricks.

I see the silver lining in this cloud of Human Suffering…we will all be able to paint a brick like it’s Our Business, and that’s a good skill to have in the pocket. There will be weight loss, muscle growth. My back and shoulders will be sore, and my showers will be hotter than usual, but they will also feel better than normal. I will have to devote time to the maintenance of my nails every day, but I won’t bite them because the sludge underneath is too gross to put near my mouth. I will not sleep enough, but Saturday and Sunday morning will feel like birthday presents when I don’t have to wake up before 9. My house is dirty, but it’s nice to let go of cleaning for a week because I have to. HoCakes and I won’t get enough alone time to suit either of our tastes, but the stolen moments between work will be that much more lovely for breaking up the grind of Another Long Work Day. Winter Formal will be a great party, and even though I will be a crazy woman until the doors open, with finalizing plans and catering and decorations, I will have a great time dancing with my hot girlfriend in her hothot dress.

Things aren’t all grey Goop and 2 miles of felt strips, I see that now.

…with a bang. Literally. Unfortunately, I’m wearing proof of that on my face today. Only the one observant friend noticed, so I’ve got that in my favor, at least. I don’t mind a battle scar for such fun, though.

I’m sitting across the table from HoCakes, watching her build models, thinking again how nice it is to have someone to share every aspect of life with me. We just finished starching 5 drops, teamed up together…we’re a fantastic team. Grace apparently recognized that and grouped us together at the on-set, and as expected, we kicked ass. It’s fun to me, being a part of an efficient team with solid talent and enough chemistry to start fires. It’s just Good Times All Around. Occasionally, it’s hard to focus on the work when I get flashes of what she looks liked naked, but hey! that just makes the time pass faster for me. A little daydreaming doesn’t slow me down too much when I’m doing the Menial Stuff at the beginning of the process. There’s something to be said for knowing how to starch a drop fast and well, for sure, but I’ve done it enough that I don’t have to focus Too Hard.

I’m Real Happy these days…it feels good. I was happy before I met my delightful and lovely girlfriend, but she certainly makes life a bit rosier. I think that if everyone felt as blissful as I do Right This Second, wars wouldn’t seem so appealing.

I think I’m still full from the meal I ate about 16 hours ago. Oh but it was so good. So good.

It was great to spend time with Hollis and Brian and Wes and Hollis’ mom. We had a really good time. Hollis’ mom seemed to be in really good spirits…we had some good laughs, and she looked great. I dunno…after being such good friends with someone for a while, their family starts to feel like your family, too, so it’s always nice when things are happy and harmonious. Her mom informed me that I am Officially family now, which is certainly nice to hear any day. I hadn’t seen Wes in a while, and I take comfort in the fact that some things never change; same grizzly beard that is oddly becoming to him, same twisted sense of humor, same brilliant delivery of the same jokes that still make me laugh.

And I have to say, it’s always lovely to spend time with Hollis and Brian together; I’m truly happy to see them so happy together. Brian gets my Grade A Best Friend Stamp of Approval, not that he ever needed it, but it’s worth something, I think. It’s good to see my friends happy.

I got home to an empty house, so, of course, I promptly starting cleaning, hoping that since Daniel is gone until Sunday, I can enjoy some Relative Order and Cleanliness in my life for a hot second. That’ll all evaporate come Intensive Arts, when I hardly feel like cleaning after those 12 hour days, chock full of seminars and plenty of painting. Plenty of bricks is really what I mean. I’m glad that I had my figures wrong originally, and it’s only the 7000 sq. feet of bricks, not 70,000. I was terrified, honestly.

It’s kinda lonely in this big ole house, all quiet except for the roasting embers to my left and the snoring kitty to my right. I’m pretty sure the ghost is keeping me company tonight, though…Right when I typed ‘it’s kinda lonely’, Cleecloe stood up on her back legs with her front paws hovering an inch off the couch and stared at the wall by the fireplace like something was over there. She followed it with her eyes across the room, and right as her eyes flicked to the area directly in front of me, a chill passed over my left side. Cold air touched me. Maybe it was a ghostly holiday hug. I’ve never been scared of whatever it is that lives in this house; I get the impression that this house was Loved by it’s former occupants, much as Daniel and I love it(I more than he, I think), and I think that maybe whatever (whoever) it is that shares this house with me has stayed because this house holds good memories. There is no hint of malice or ill-will, and I can’t say I blame a ghost for wanting to hang out in this light, airy, comfortable home.

I would prefer that sweet ole HoCakes to a chilly ghost any night, however. I Miss that woman. Six short days apart and I am beside myself with excitement to see her tomorrow. Funny how spending every day together for three months will create a noticable hole when the other is removed from the daily goings-on. She’s just so damn dreamy; I could spend years getting to know everything about her, years waking up to the cute song she sings me in the morning, years trying to articulate the precise color blue her eyes are.

Damn, I’m in deep smit.

Every since I turned in my last project on Friday, I feel like I’ve been living to go back to bed. I had no idea how tiring this term had been, until it was over, and I became free to indulge myself in what my body craves, on a moment by moment basis. It’s nice, that freedom. I haven’t really left the house much, choosing instead to lay on my couch, watch movies, play video games, and get lots and lots of sleep. Like 12 hours a night kind of A Lot. I definetly feel rejuvenated, if not a bit sore….my back is yelling at me to quit all the lying down.

My attention has turned to planning this Winter Formal we are having in two weeks. Things keep looking promising and then falling through. I’m starting to get nervous now. I have a good lead, and a meeting tomorrow to attempt to firm up the place; I thought that I had found the perfect place–they seemed very interested and willing–but they aren’t willing enough to throw out all the latin dancers that would be displaced on a Tuesday night…their Latin Dance Night. It’s a real shame, the club is perfect, and close, and the drinks are reasonably priced, I have a meeting tomorrow with the man who just bought this club called Metal Rebel…I hear there was an awesome winter formal there a few years ago. This guy wants me to paint the entire night club in any way that I see fit (not before Winter Formal, just in general), so long as it’s lots of bright colors. Hello, Resume! I’m pretty excited, and I think he’ll let me use the space, but I’m concerned that it won’t be operational by then; fully stocked bar and seating and a a sound system are pretty crucial to this event. The photo booth fell through as well; who knew they cost $1700 for a four hour rental? Not me!

In other news, Reason #1812 that I adore my pal Katy Meehan: she has a large capacity, stackable washer and dryer that she’s letting me hold at my house…she doesn’t have the right hook-up at hers, so it’s living at my house currently. Which I love. It’s the first time I’ve had a washer dryer at my house since I moved out of my parents place, and lemme tell ya, it’s blissful. She swears it will change my life. I think she’s right. For the first time, I pulled still-warm socks out of the dryer and put them on my cold feet. I love Katy. Forever and ever, Amen. The only charge is that she has free access to it when she needs/wants, which is a bargain any way I look at it.

HoCakes left to go be with her family for the holidays…I miss her already. It’s nice to miss someone, though. It’s always so nice to reunite after a short pause…it recharges things so nicely! Not that we really needed the Recharging, but all the same… Things are going so well with her, it feels like I’m finally getting what I deserve in a partner. Her parents don’t know that we’re together, and it’s not really okay that they do, but I think her mom is onto us…she asked HoCakes what kind of women I like (she let it slip that I’m a lesbo) and then she followed up with, “Well…don’t let her hit on YOU”. Her mom sounds like a smart cookie, and she’s certainly caught HoCakes in enough compromising situations with The Ladies to know she feels like she needs to worry. So things could get interesting with the Fam this week, if I keep coming up in conversation…that’s what tipped her mom off initially. The only thing that concerns me is that they’d promised us use of their time-shares in Phoenix for the USITT conference in March, and then in Vegas, for spring break, the following week. While we had been planning on going somewhere more tropical, Vegas is closer and, suprisingly, cheaper. I’m super excited. I’m stoked to go spend two weeks in warmer climes with ladyfriend, lounging by pools and going dancing and seeing some shows and making some contacts…It’ll be a nice two weeks in the middle of a cold Winston Salem March. I’m hoping that we can get some other folks in on the action….Katy.

Well…I should be looking at other night clubs in the area instead of updating this thang, so…..

After one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had, wherein I broke up with my sweet sweet girlfriend, due to the fact that she had a boyfriend, and I no longer wanted to be the other woman, I returned home an hour later, to find her newly single, aside from me. This officially qualifies as A Weight Off My Mind. Now I can be free to pinwheel down the steep slope of Giddy Love, with the girl of my dreams. Happy day.

Now, if only I hadn’t gotten drunk at 6 pm and taken a lengthy evening nap…

Freeform thinking here…I don’t have much brain power for anything else, but I need to do something to slow my damn brain down enough to go to sleep. So here goes. I hope it’s entertaining, at least.

I had a good day today. Woke up before my alarm clock, feeling refreshed. HoCakes (that’s OBE’s Real nickname so I’m gonna drop the silly blog nickname, cuz everyone knows anyway) and I laid in bed and giggled like girls for a while, watching the sun slant through my blinds and avoiding the beginning of the day. I like waking up next to her….it’s always a good start to the day. Her eyes sparkle in the early morning light, all clear and neptunian. We went over to GoodGuy’s house and sat on the front porch and smoked cigarettes and watched the yellow-orange leaves rain down on the sidewalk, much to her neighbors chagrin…as much as she raked, the wind replaced with a quickness. HoCakes departed, leaving GoodGuy and I to our own Procrastination Devices, which turned into FotoFunShoot out at the rock quarry, complete with rainbow headband for a prop. It was good times, as usual. We couldn’t take a bad picture, either, which is a rare joy. Then we ate at Mr Bar B Que Miss Fried Chicken (that’s really the restaurants full name), and set off to work. I sat in the sun on my front porch until the sun went away, and I couldn’t carve anymore outside. I cooked a good dinner, then carved more. Nine frigging hours of carving floral foam, and I’m still not done. That brings the total count up to about twenty hours, and I’m Still Not Done. I love it and hate it, at the same time.

I have a headache. Believe it or not, it’s not getting better staring at this computer screen.