A Hooker’s work is never done

Intensive Arts is kicking my ass…it’s so exhausting, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Whine, that’s the answer that’s winning out, but I’m okay with that for now. Luckily, at dinner break, I remembered the Magic of the Pearls; if I’m having a day where I can’t seem to smile, I put my fake pearls on to paint, and it genuinely makes me feel happier.

Here are some numbers, because the sick part of me has to break it down like this sometimes:

Hours spent on the paint deck this week so far, with fourteen to twenty two hours left in the week: 39
Gallons of Scenic Goop mixed to create texture: 44
PSI on the hopper spraying the Goop: 120
Pounds of whiting (looks like powdered sugar, does what the name says) used today: 18
Gallons of SculptorCoat used today: 15
Time spent sitting down since waking up: 1 hour
Number of square feet covered in grey paint or Goop: 7700
Times I slipped in the Goop today: 2
The exclamation “fuck” was overheard: more than 100 times
Felt strips glued onto mesh netting to create the illusion of interwoven fire escapes: no less than 2 miles
Number of bricks that have been created in paint in the last 3 days: 27,000
Crew members,including designer and assistants: 16

There is a sense of pride and satisfaction that, at the end of these two weeks, we will have successfully painted a solid half of a Very Big Show…meaning, hopefully, the rest of the year won’t necessarily blow donkey balls due to this Officially Sanctioned 50th Anniversary West Side Story thang we have undertaken. I think I am just saying that to try and convince myself of such, but whatever…I’ll hold onto my illusions for now.

The addition of seminars in the mornings to the roster of work for the next eight days is daunting, and I can’t help but be vaguely pissed off…we’re all so tired already. I mean, I’d be more excited about workshops and seminars, I think, if I were allowed to attend seminars outside of my field. It’s not that I’m not lucky to be learning how to create cool crackle textures for cheap, or how to make metal look authentically rusted in under 10 minutes, but the people teaching all of my seminars are people I see every day. It kind of stings that a renowned scenic designer is teaching several days of workshops (lectures, I would assume) that I can’t attend because HoJo is teaching me more about paint…like every other day of the year. I learn a lot, sure, but variety would be exciting. I would love to be able to attend a model building workshop; it’s a requirement of my course work that I build models for class, but no one’s ever instructed me in the construction of models…and I feel like I can’t operate at my full potential in class because I’m shooting blind. Intensive Arts has always been a bit of a let-down for me; I expect that I’ll get to attend exciting lectures given by beautiful, famous people and be wowed by industry reps with new products ready to revolutionize the industry if placed in the right (our) hands.

Instead, there are bricks.

I see the silver lining in this cloud of Human Suffering…we will all be able to paint a brick like it’s Our Business, and that’s a good skill to have in the pocket. There will be weight loss, muscle growth. My back and shoulders will be sore, and my showers will be hotter than usual, but they will also feel better than normal. I will have to devote time to the maintenance of my nails every day, but I won’t bite them because the sludge underneath is too gross to put near my mouth. I will not sleep enough, but Saturday and Sunday morning will feel like birthday presents when I don’t have to wake up before 9. My house is dirty, but it’s nice to let go of cleaning for a week because I have to. HoCakes and I won’t get enough alone time to suit either of our tastes, but the stolen moments between work will be that much more lovely for breaking up the grind of Another Long Work Day. Winter Formal will be a great party, and even though I will be a crazy woman until the doors open, with finalizing plans and catering and decorations, I will have a great time dancing with my hot girlfriend in her hothot dress.

Things aren’t all grey Goop and 2 miles of felt strips, I see that now.

…with a bang. Literally. Unfortunately, I’m wearing proof of that on my face today. Only the one observant friend noticed, so I’ve got that in my favor, at least. I don’t mind a battle scar for such fun, though.

I’m sitting across the table from HoCakes, watching her build models, thinking again how nice it is to have someone to share every aspect of life with me. We just finished starching 5 drops, teamed up together…we’re a fantastic team. Grace apparently recognized that and grouped us together at the on-set, and as expected, we kicked ass. It’s fun to me, being a part of an efficient team with solid talent and enough chemistry to start fires. It’s just Good Times All Around. Occasionally, it’s hard to focus on the work when I get flashes of what she looks liked naked, but hey! that just makes the time pass faster for me. A little daydreaming doesn’t slow me down too much when I’m doing the Menial Stuff at the beginning of the process. There’s something to be said for knowing how to starch a drop fast and well, for sure, but I’ve done it enough that I don’t have to focus Too Hard.

I’m Real Happy these days…it feels good. I was happy before I met my delightful and lovely girlfriend, but she certainly makes life a bit rosier. I think that if everyone felt as blissful as I do Right This Second, wars wouldn’t seem so appealing.

I think I’m still full from the meal I ate about 16 hours ago. Oh but it was so good. So good.

It was great to spend time with Hollis and Brian and Wes and Hollis’ mom. We had a really good time. Hollis’ mom seemed to be in really good spirits…we had some good laughs, and she looked great. I dunno…after being such good friends with someone for a while, their family starts to feel like your family, too, so it’s always nice when things are happy and harmonious. Her mom informed me that I am Officially family now, which is certainly nice to hear any day. I hadn’t seen Wes in a while, and I take comfort in the fact that some things never change; same grizzly beard that is oddly becoming to him, same twisted sense of humor, same brilliant delivery of the same jokes that still make me laugh.

And I have to say, it’s always lovely to spend time with Hollis and Brian together; I’m truly happy to see them so happy together. Brian gets my Grade A Best Friend Stamp of Approval, not that he ever needed it, but it’s worth something, I think. It’s good to see my friends happy.

I got home to an empty house, so, of course, I promptly starting cleaning, hoping that since Daniel is gone until Sunday, I can enjoy some Relative Order and Cleanliness in my life for a hot second. That’ll all evaporate come Intensive Arts, when I hardly feel like cleaning after those 12 hour days, chock full of seminars and plenty of painting. Plenty of bricks is really what I mean. I’m glad that I had my figures wrong originally, and it’s only the 7000 sq. feet of bricks, not 70,000. I was terrified, honestly.

It’s kinda lonely in this big ole house, all quiet except for the roasting embers to my left and the snoring kitty to my right. I’m pretty sure the ghost is keeping me company tonight, though…Right when I typed ‘it’s kinda lonely’, Cleecloe stood up on her back legs with her front paws hovering an inch off the couch and stared at the wall by the fireplace like something was over there. She followed it with her eyes across the room, and right as her eyes flicked to the area directly in front of me, a chill passed over my left side. Cold air touched me. Maybe it was a ghostly holiday hug. I’ve never been scared of whatever it is that lives in this house; I get the impression that this house was Loved by it’s former occupants, much as Daniel and I love it(I more than he, I think), and I think that maybe whatever (whoever) it is that shares this house with me has stayed because this house holds good memories. There is no hint of malice or ill-will, and I can’t say I blame a ghost for wanting to hang out in this light, airy, comfortable home.

I would prefer that sweet ole HoCakes to a chilly ghost any night, however. I Miss that woman. Six short days apart and I am beside myself with excitement to see her tomorrow. Funny how spending every day together for three months will create a noticable hole when the other is removed from the daily goings-on. She’s just so damn dreamy; I could spend years getting to know everything about her, years waking up to the cute song she sings me in the morning, years trying to articulate the precise color blue her eyes are.

Damn, I’m in deep smit.

Every since I turned in my last project on Friday, I feel like I’ve been living to go back to bed. I had no idea how tiring this term had been, until it was over, and I became free to indulge myself in what my body craves, on a moment by moment basis. It’s nice, that freedom. I haven’t really left the house much, choosing instead to lay on my couch, watch movies, play video games, and get lots and lots of sleep. Like 12 hours a night kind of A Lot. I definetly feel rejuvenated, if not a bit sore….my back is yelling at me to quit all the lying down.

My attention has turned to planning this Winter Formal we are having in two weeks. Things keep looking promising and then falling through. I’m starting to get nervous now. I have a good lead, and a meeting tomorrow to attempt to firm up the place; I thought that I had found the perfect place–they seemed very interested and willing–but they aren’t willing enough to throw out all the latin dancers that would be displaced on a Tuesday night…their Latin Dance Night. It’s a real shame, the club is perfect, and close, and the drinks are reasonably priced, I have a meeting tomorrow with the man who just bought this club called Metal Rebel…I hear there was an awesome winter formal there a few years ago. This guy wants me to paint the entire night club in any way that I see fit (not before Winter Formal, just in general), so long as it’s lots of bright colors. Hello, Resume! I’m pretty excited, and I think he’ll let me use the space, but I’m concerned that it won’t be operational by then; fully stocked bar and seating and a a sound system are pretty crucial to this event. The photo booth fell through as well; who knew they cost $1700 for a four hour rental? Not me!

In other news, Reason #1812 that I adore my pal Katy Meehan: she has a large capacity, stackable washer and dryer that she’s letting me hold at my house…she doesn’t have the right hook-up at hers, so it’s living at my house currently. Which I love. It’s the first time I’ve had a washer dryer at my house since I moved out of my parents place, and lemme tell ya, it’s blissful. She swears it will change my life. I think she’s right. For the first time, I pulled still-warm socks out of the dryer and put them on my cold feet. I love Katy. Forever and ever, Amen. The only charge is that she has free access to it when she needs/wants, which is a bargain any way I look at it.

HoCakes left to go be with her family for the holidays…I miss her already. It’s nice to miss someone, though. It’s always so nice to reunite after a short pause…it recharges things so nicely! Not that we really needed the Recharging, but all the same… Things are going so well with her, it feels like I’m finally getting what I deserve in a partner. Her parents don’t know that we’re together, and it’s not really okay that they do, but I think her mom is onto us…she asked HoCakes what kind of women I like (she let it slip that I’m a lesbo) and then she followed up with, “Well…don’t let her hit on YOU”. Her mom sounds like a smart cookie, and she’s certainly caught HoCakes in enough compromising situations with The Ladies to know she feels like she needs to worry. So things could get interesting with the Fam this week, if I keep coming up in conversation…that’s what tipped her mom off initially. The only thing that concerns me is that they’d promised us use of their time-shares in Phoenix for the USITT conference in March, and then in Vegas, for spring break, the following week. While we had been planning on going somewhere more tropical, Vegas is closer and, suprisingly, cheaper. I’m super excited. I’m stoked to go spend two weeks in warmer climes with ladyfriend, lounging by pools and going dancing and seeing some shows and making some contacts…It’ll be a nice two weeks in the middle of a cold Winston Salem March. I’m hoping that we can get some other folks in on the action….Katy.

Well…I should be looking at other night clubs in the area instead of updating this thang, so…..

After one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had, wherein I broke up with my sweet sweet girlfriend, due to the fact that she had a boyfriend, and I no longer wanted to be the other woman, I returned home an hour later, to find her newly single, aside from me. This officially qualifies as A Weight Off My Mind. Now I can be free to pinwheel down the steep slope of Giddy Love, with the girl of my dreams. Happy day.

Now, if only I hadn’t gotten drunk at 6 pm and taken a lengthy evening nap…

Freeform thinking here…I don’t have much brain power for anything else, but I need to do something to slow my damn brain down enough to go to sleep. So here goes. I hope it’s entertaining, at least.

I had a good day today. Woke up before my alarm clock, feeling refreshed. HoCakes (that’s OBE’s Real nickname so I’m gonna drop the silly blog nickname, cuz everyone knows anyway) and I laid in bed and giggled like girls for a while, watching the sun slant through my blinds and avoiding the beginning of the day. I like waking up next to her….it’s always a good start to the day. Her eyes sparkle in the early morning light, all clear and neptunian. We went over to GoodGuy’s house and sat on the front porch and smoked cigarettes and watched the yellow-orange leaves rain down on the sidewalk, much to her neighbors chagrin…as much as she raked, the wind replaced with a quickness. HoCakes departed, leaving GoodGuy and I to our own Procrastination Devices, which turned into FotoFunShoot out at the rock quarry, complete with rainbow headband for a prop. It was good times, as usual. We couldn’t take a bad picture, either, which is a rare joy. Then we ate at Mr Bar B Que Miss Fried Chicken (that’s really the restaurants full name), and set off to work. I sat in the sun on my front porch until the sun went away, and I couldn’t carve anymore outside. I cooked a good dinner, then carved more. Nine frigging hours of carving floral foam, and I’m still not done. That brings the total count up to about twenty hours, and I’m Still Not Done. I love it and hate it, at the same time.

I have a headache. Believe it or not, it’s not getting better staring at this computer screen.

I had to sign a form today, for repayment of an emergency loan I had to take out (ah, humility), and the date of repayment said 2007. I had to stop for a second when I wrote that down, like I knew it was correct and made perfect sense, but my brain kind of rejected it, instinctly, as it’s the first time I had actually written it down with a pen, with an intent to participate in anything Actually Happening in ‘07. Time moves so quickly. So f’ing quickly.

School is winding to a close for the term. Winding might be a poor choice of words, actually. Rapidly spiraling, in a very haphazard, hard-angled kinda fashion to this elusive Due Date for everything we’ve done all term long…that would be more accurate. Even though it’s crazy, now that I’ve been through two years, it’s starting to just feel Normal. I’m still stressed but it’s not the same crazy feeling I normally get, round about this time. There is a general internal acknowledgement that I have a Shit Load of work to do in the next ten days, but I’m not really sweating it. Maybe it’s all the sex I’m having that’s keeping me so calm. Who knows? Whatever it is, it’s nice to not feel like a lunatic right now. Maybe it’s denial. That would be very bad. But I feel on top of things, so I guess the Zen I’ve been looking for, for so many years (as the child of hippie parents) has finally started to seep in to daily living. Maybe it’s because the college accreditation board told NCSA that the scenic department could no longer graduate with 68 more credit hours than everyone else in the UNC system. I guess they didn’t cotton to undergrads graduating with enough credit hours to have earned a masters, too, with some credit hours in change left over. Point being, I have more time this year than last year. Could be that’s what being an upperclassmen here is all about; more free time to focus on the skill of your craft and less time spent doing volumes of slightly-busy work, just to learn the fundamentals. Any way I spin it, it’s good for me. Things feel more balanced.

Things are going so well with OBE that I’m starting to have that Bottom Drops Out feeling. That’s so pessimistic of me, I know. But it just keeps getting better everyday. I guess when I’m used to emotionally unavailable mostly-straight crazies, anything else makes me feel like it’s my birthday, every day. She’s just so great…so f’ing talented (talent is HOT), this undercover genius that is so humble it’s almost frustrating, and man! does she make me laugh. We spend alot of time together (too much, Maybe) and it just never gets boring or claustrophobic. We’ve been working together on her show for the past week and a half, and we’re such a Great Team, it amazes me. So fast and efficient and precise…I hesitate to commit this to words on the internet, but she’s the F’ing Girl Of My Dreams. An ubertalented designer/painter that ultimately wants to end up sailing the high seas, from job to job, on a boat she lives on…what? That’s MY dream. I just keep thinking to myself, I’ve never thought a relationship could Work before; even when I was in madly in love with Bonny, and later, Dark Roast, I always knew it would never work out in the end, I always knew. I knew from the onset that we didn’t have what it took to sustain for any real amount of time, there wasn’t enough common ground to keep us interested and happy. This feels different. This feels right. This feels (mostly) easy and comfortable and exciting and fun. This feels like the most solid start to any relationship I’ve ever had.

Speaking of Dark Roast, she called me FIFTEEN times today. Didn’t leave a message, not the once. OK, so I don’t exactly know for sure that it was her. I do know that someone called me fifteen times during crew from an unknown number (that’s one of her old tricks to get me to pick up the phone when I didn’t want to talk to her) and then one call from her, half hour later. I was getting a call every three to five minutes for about an hour. I didn’t hear any of them, luckily, or I would have bugged out. I was too busy WORKING, psycho! It’s funny…she totally closed off to me, shut down, drove me away, and once I was good and gone, over and done with it all, she starts calling again. I don’t have anything to say to her, that’s the reality of the situation. She made me feel guilty for loving her, like I was doing us both a disservice, and the second I started seeing someone else, she told me she loved me, too. I was foolish enough to fall for it once. Never again. I don’t know what she wants from me, and frankly, I don’t want to, but it feels unnecessarily cruel to me to verbalize that. I prefer to avoid the conversation completely. I don’t understand why she isn’t catching on to that very fact. You’d think that never returning a phone call once in eight months might clue somebody in…

Is it true? Is the only thing I find worthwhile to write about, women? Some days, I want to rush right out and get that old timey sailor tattoo, Man’s Ruin (except I’d change it to Woman’s Ruin, or My Ruin, or maybe just Ruination). You know the one…there’s a woman in a martini glass, and cigarettes, dice and money are somehow artfully framing the picture. If I added a jar of analine dye into the equation, I’d probably have a fairly accurate portrayal of The Things That Will Drive Me Into An Early Grave. I don’t guess the dust of floral foam would read well in a tattoo. Pity, because that’s what took a year off my life, today.

I went to Raleigh this weekend. It was nice to visit with my family, properly, not like last time when I was in a serious funk over quitting smoking. Ole Blue Eyes came to town on Saturday night, and hung out with me and The Fam. It was pretty great. It’s fair to say they adore her. It’s fair to say I do, too. I couldn’t find the words to properly express my appreciation at the fact that she was willing to go into a home that’s being changed and stressed by a cancer that is getting worse. Dad is getting sick. Sicker, I guess I should say. He wasn’t out of bed for more than two hours the whole weekend. It’s hard. It was better having her there with me. She laid in my brother’s bed with me, in the dark, after they’d all gone to sleep, and wrapped her arms and legs around me, and I could breathe again. She doesn’t know what that meant to me. I tried to tell her and the words wouldn’t come out right. I asked Eli if he was scared that Dad was so sick, and he laughed, that nervous laugh an eight year old laughs when they don’t want to tell the truth, and he said No. After a pause, he asked me if I was, and I said Sometimes. I couldn’t explain to him that it’s okay to be scared, this is a scary thing, because he doesn’t like to talk about emotions, but I hope my sharing might pave the way for a conversation sometime soon. I don’t think they want him to be scared. I dont’ want him to be clueless and naive. They win, for now. They won’t be able to pretend it’s not happening for much longer…Dad is starting to look sick, and his throat is turning a weird brown-red on the outside, from the radiation. I’m scared. I’m shaken up. I can’t sleep.

Life has been going 100 miles an hour recently, or at least that’s how it feels. And I like that. I like that I’ve been so busy doing Stuff that I haven’t been able to spend time writing here. But I do miss it, the masturbatory outpouring of Me and My Life. So here’s the shiz…

My show closed, and it was received quite well; my crew and I have been getting compliments constantly for the work we’ve done, and that feels great. It was no easy feat to perfectly blend a wardrobe into a sky scene, but we did it, and bloody hell, it looked H.O.T.

We’ve passed midterms now, and only have three short weeks until Thanksgimme break. That sentence makes me want to vomit a little bit, there is so much to do between now and then. In scene design class, we are working on a pretty Mediocre play, Bus Stop, but there’s lots of work ahead of us to complete a groundplan, section, elevations, and model box. I’m a little intimidated, as I always am when I begin work on something I don’t already know how to do, but I’m getting excited about the class, for the first time. It felt good to draft again, and remember that I am Indeed good at it. In scene painting, we are doing these cool symmetrical carvings in floral foam; mine is this leaf pattern that has a bit of a spiral to it. It should make for a good Xmas present for someone if it turns out…. My sculpture class is also pretty cool—today, we melted some copper and poured casts we made out of cuttlefish (who knew that a squids relative could be used to cast metal?)…I made a giant gold tooth. I’d like to string it on a chain and rock it like Flava Flav, but that remains to be seen.

This past weekend was pretty much a blast. I got to fulfill a life dream, and dress as a pirate, with a hot pirate wench at my side all night long, to get me drunk and make out with me. Thank god I’m still in college, or I might have been embarrassed by my actions at this party Saturday night. It was like walking into a movie version of Real Life; a giant house, packed to max. cap., with a full wet bar, a stripper pole, awesome sound and lighting, and good music that everyone was kind of swaying to, in full costume, packed in like sardines. Ole Blue Eyes and I looked smokin’ hot, if I do say so myself…she’s the pirate wench of my wildest dreams, and we behaved suitably Pirate-y all night long. That is, getting really, inappropriately drunk, making out all over the place in front of nearly everyone we know at this school, and then stumbling home, for real Stumbling, making noise and singing and being rowdy in general. It was awesome! So much fun, and most everyone that I wanted to be there, was, and it was refreshing in that I haven’t had One Of Those Nights in a long time…waking up the next morning, wondering if there was anyone I needed to apologize to. Turns out, I don’t really give a fuck if I made anyone uncomfortable…it was all a character choice. Motorboat McKnickers made her first NC appearance, what can I say?

OBE and I got up the next morning, and promptly stumbled out to my parents waiting car, which shuttled us away to a delightful brunch, Meet The Parents style. It went shockingly well; so easy, and fun, and comfortable. I wasn’t nervous in the slightest, and we had some good laughs, and my parents adored her, as I knew they would. Eli was a little chatterbox with her, which is rare and new, and a good sign, so far as I can tell. It felt so Right, it freaked me out a little bit. I’m not used to feeling perfectly at ease with my parents meeting a girl I’m seeing, but I was; it felt natural and like it was Supposed To Be.

It has certainly raised a lot of questions in my poor achin’ brain, this ease and natural-feeling quality my relationship with OBE has taken on. The two of us have the same goals and dreams in life, EXACTLY. I’ve never been in a relaitonship where we legitimately wanted the same things from life, right down to the boat instead of the house. It’s hard to keep my brain from straying into the scary territory of The Future, and how This Just Might Work. All I’m sayin’ is, I’ve never dated anyone where I’ve honestly thought that we’re similar enough to make things easy but different enough to keep things interesting. Right now, it feels closer to a Winning Combination than anything I’ve ever had the luck and good graces to find myself involved in.

I fall in love too easily. I’ll say that much. But it’s so nice, all the same. It’s a real treat to be able to share everything in life with someone; the work AND the play. We make a killer team on the paint deck, fast and accurate and fun, and we manage to keep it professional, even though it’s hard to do Just That when she looks so hot in her paint clothes. I dunno, y’all…someone I can paint with, and then go home with, to cook meals and sit in front of the fire and sleep next to…it’s a pretty rosy picture right now.

So that’s the update.