A Hooker’s work is never done

I feel like such a grinch right now…I have very little desire to go home to my family, which is mostly fueled by the sense of shame I feel at having only one present for everyone (not really, though…none are finished), and that I am broke beyond belief, with nothing on the line until Jan. 10th. Living on loan checks is a bitch, for sure.

To compound my feelings of holiday anxiety, we received a letter from our landlord detailing, item by item, the things we have to do immediately in order to avoid eviction. Mind you, our bills are paid. He is unhappy with the sofa on the porch (I’ve been in his court on this one since the day it arrived), the flat file outside the kitchen door which is our receptacle for recycling, since our bins were stolen, and I’ll be damned if I’m paying the $50 per in order to get two of those stinky green things back, oh yeah…and my cat. He’s known that I’ve had a cat since we moved in here, 18 months ago, and only now is it a problem. He also apparently believes that the 5th means rent is late, but why give us til the 5th if he really meant the 1st? I know 1st is when it’s really due, and the 5th just gives people leeway for checks arriving and processing, but still. Our rent has been late twice, by two days each, 16 out of 18 on time seems pretty good to me, but he apparently views that as “our rent being consistently late”. And THEN, my favorite so far today, was the new round of bills since it got cold, and since we got our washer and dryer. More than quadruple what we normally pay. I, for sure, immediately drank a beer at 1:30 in the afternoon when we opened those.

I appreciate that the water company plays the same Christmas song over and over again while they’ve kept me on hold for 17 minutes now…Does that add any dignity to the act of asking for a payment arrangement? Happy holidays from City/County Utilities! You’re too poor to pay us a week before Christmas, but please allow us to attempt to inspire cheer with This One instrumental ditty you can listen to thirty seven times in a row, waiting for customer service! Thank you! Call again!

So now I have to figure out how to arrive in Raleigh, full of Christmas cheer and pep, when what I really need to do is prostitute myself so that I can get some wrapping paper and finish the unfinished Christmas I have surrounding me in my dining room.

I wish that I was like one of those poor people in the movies, that was really satisfied with the one present that the whole family shared, because I was so caught up in the love and good tidings of a winter morn spent together that poverty didn’t matter. But I’m not like Those People in the movies, and I feel bad going home to my family with nothing to show for my love. I don’t like the material connotations of Christmas…the more you love, the more you’ll spend…because it always puts me in a position of feeling like I am selfish for buying groceries instead of video games for Eli. Gah.

I have high hopes that when I am with my family, the Feeling will grab me, and I can smile about The Whole Mess.

Today for lunch, Steve, Katy and I ate outside at The Loop, and all us of were mildly uncomfortable because we were overdressed. What the fuck? I remember a time when it was cold in NC during the winters. It snowed at least once a year, usually lightly, but it was noteworthy. I am beginning to think those days might be in passing.

I am convinced I have the Avian Bird Flu. I can’t kick whatever it is that I have. Currently, I am feeling about 87% better, but my left ear has maybe a 30% hearing loss due to sinuses that are stopped up tight. This makes talking on the phone during the holiday season a real bitch. I have my fingers crossed that I will awake tomorrow to a pleasantly open ear-ball. I can’t take much more. I’ve been sick for about ten days now. I Never get sick like this. Stupid strong, drug-resistent viruses. Stupid global warming. Stupid over-population.

I am currently engaged in an effort to forego purchasing a single present this season. I am making them all, dammit. I just can’t join in the frenzy of conspicuous consumption when it is so hard for me to make ends meet in the first place. Christmas always falls at the end of the loan check cycle…money comes into school on the 26th of December, and Merry Christmas, folks! It’s going alright, surprisingly. It’s kinda fun, and I will feel good if I do indeed manage to make everything I give this year. I should have had the foresight to do a bit of pre-planning, but I really work best under pressure, anyhoo.

I had to tell Dark Roast to stop contacting me yesterday. She has been unnervingly persistent in calling, when I haven’t returned a single call in months and months. Once, it was 18 times in one day. I got creeped out. I took the Pansy’s Option, and wrote her an email (which I think was kind and eloquent and tasteful), to which she responded by spending an evening calling and texting me. I stayed strong, and didn’t answer, because if I had spoken with her, I would have wound up apologizing for the way I feel, even though I didn’t mean it. She would make me think I did. An accomplished Guilt Master, that one. I got an email today, full of stuff meant to make me doubt myself, or feel bad for my decision. Happily, it all just rolled right off my back. Didn’t cause one, tiny guilty flutter. I’m so much better than all her bullshit. It feels good to know that. It feels good to do the right thing for myself, finally. She made me feel bad about myself for years, and I like me, so there is no need for such a toxic relationship. Especially when I have such a peach of a woman in my life. There is nothing like a little perspective every now and then, to get your brain straightened out.

Back to present-making. I can’t believe Xmas is in a week. Yipes!

I’ve been under the influence of NyQuil for four solid days now…I have to admit, things are starting to get funny at the edges. I had forgotten what it really meant to have a sit-down with some NyQuil; I haven’t done such since I was 21, living with Alex. We had a love affair with NyQuil in that apartment one winter, and I haven’t been able to go back since, until now. I tell ya, shit kinda moves around on me when I’m in the grip of a NyQuil buzz. Fever certainly compounds the periphereal wanderings, but for reals…I woke up straight trippin’ a couple mornings. I guess they aren’t kidding about dosage recommendations, 2 geltabs will do the trick for an eight hour spell. More than that is just simply recreation. Why not catch a tiny buzz off of cough meds…I mean, I already feel like shit, why not live it up a little, with my nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine?

ANYhoo….

I went to Greensberry tonight, with Steve and Katy, to a party at Adrienne’s casa. Such Good Times. I love those Greensberry folk. It’s a travesty (I’m ashamed!) at how rarely I see them. I resolve to do better. Right here, right now.

I thought surely, since I’m on winter break and all, that I would be up to my Normal Blogging Levels. Instead, I have done almost Nothing aside from lay on my couch, and watch cable with my homies. I can’t tell you how good it’s felt, how quickly a week has slipped away, thusly. Granted, I made some origami, and showered a time or two in there, but truly, I have been Straight Chillin’, and it feels good. This is the first break where I didn’t feel truly guilty about lounging…I finally feel like I’ve earned it. Or something.

My Christmas time, Winter Blues seem to be at bay for the time being; this is a pleasant surprise. We’ll see how long it holds. Always the optimist, that’s me….

So. Winter break is in full swing. I can delightfully report that I have done Nothing, and I do mean Nothing, for the past three days. Mind you, that is due in large part to the fact that I have been sick as a dog with some sinus infection turned bronchitis, but the lounging has been nice, nonetheless. I had forgotten what it felt like to Chill on my couch, and watch movie after movie after movie, falling asleep downstairs and never bothering to go sleep in my bed. It’s good. Cleecloe likes it, for sure. My house is very quiet, as Daniel is in Puerto Rico until next Tuesday (lucky bastard), so I am a bit lonely, but Katy and Steve and I have been spending quality time, and that’s fun. I miss my HoCakes, for sure. After three straight months of daily interaction, it feels bizarre that she’s not here with me. Silly U-haul Lesbians…

Winter Formal was an effing hit…we made more than double as compared to last years dance, and since this is a fundraiser, that’s important. Everyone loved the space; it was a perfect size—small enough that people were eventually forced onto the dancefloor for lack of anywhere else to be, which is awesome. The winter formal master mix went over fantastically, and it kept people bumpin’ on the floor til the doors closed. It was so successful, in fact, that I have been asked to do some event planning for the entire student body, not just D&P. Good times, good times. HoCakes looked good enough to eat in her pink sparkly dress, and we are once and for all, irrefutably, Out…to all of our classmates, and more noteworthy, to all of our teachers. The teachers here like to play little tricks on students that are dating….won’t let them work together when they’re dating, won’t let them work apart once they’re not. It’s a tricky situation, but I’m not in the habit of letting anyone control who I date, so ce la vie!! Howard Jones gave me the eyeball many a time when HoCakes and I were dancing up on one another. There was no mistaking the fact that we like to have sex…

I’m tired of coughing. I am also tired of being poor. I look forward to the day when I actually have enough money to give my family and friends the kind of Christmas I’ve always wanted. I also look forward to the day when my Christmas occurs on a boat, in tropical waters, with steel drums playing jingle bells, drinking mai tais instead of hot chocolate. Dreamy….