What holiday spirit?
I feel like such a grinch right now…I have very little desire to go home to my family, which is mostly fueled by the sense of shame I feel at having only one present for everyone (not really, though…none are finished), and that I am broke beyond belief, with nothing on the line until Jan. 10th. Living on loan checks is a bitch, for sure.
To compound my feelings of holiday anxiety, we received a letter from our landlord detailing, item by item, the things we have to do immediately in order to avoid eviction. Mind you, our bills are paid. He is unhappy with the sofa on the porch (I’ve been in his court on this one since the day it arrived), the flat file outside the kitchen door which is our receptacle for recycling, since our bins were stolen, and I’ll be damned if I’m paying the $50 per in order to get two of those stinky green things back, oh yeah…and my cat. He’s known that I’ve had a cat since we moved in here, 18 months ago, and only now is it a problem. He also apparently believes that the 5th means rent is late, but why give us til the 5th if he really meant the 1st? I know 1st is when it’s really due, and the 5th just gives people leeway for checks arriving and processing, but still. Our rent has been late twice, by two days each, 16 out of 18 on time seems pretty good to me, but he apparently views that as “our rent being consistently late”. And THEN, my favorite so far today, was the new round of bills since it got cold, and since we got our washer and dryer. More than quadruple what we normally pay. I, for sure, immediately drank a beer at 1:30 in the afternoon when we opened those.
I appreciate that the water company plays the same Christmas song over and over again while they’ve kept me on hold for 17 minutes now…Does that add any dignity to the act of asking for a payment arrangement? Happy holidays from City/County Utilities! You’re too poor to pay us a week before Christmas, but please allow us to attempt to inspire cheer with This One instrumental ditty you can listen to thirty seven times in a row, waiting for customer service! Thank you! Call again!
So now I have to figure out how to arrive in Raleigh, full of Christmas cheer and pep, when what I really need to do is prostitute myself so that I can get some wrapping paper and finish the unfinished Christmas I have surrounding me in my dining room.
I wish that I was like one of those poor people in the movies, that was really satisfied with the one present that the whole family shared, because I was so caught up in the love and good tidings of a winter morn spent together that poverty didn’t matter. But I’m not like Those People in the movies, and I feel bad going home to my family with nothing to show for my love. I don’t like the material connotations of Christmas…the more you love, the more you’ll spend…because it always puts me in a position of feeling like I am selfish for buying groceries instead of video games for Eli. Gah.
I have high hopes that when I am with my family, the Feeling will grab me, and I can smile about The Whole Mess.
